I've Moved!

Bright Eyes has moved to meganrapp.com

Happy Thanksgiving!

Photos of the Girls I Share My Life With

Here are some fun shots of me and my lovely roommates!

Ally, me, Jonna, and Anna just chattin

Ally on Anna and Jonna on Me

I am approaching Thanksgiving Break my senior year of college. I can't believe it's already November 2006! (However, it is still 85* in Waco...)

I live in a lovely, ecclectic apartment with four lovely, ecclectic girls. Ally and I share a room , and Anna and Jonna share a room.

I've learned a lot from these girls, and I hope they've learned a little somethin from me!

Ally, Jonna, Anna, and I looking at a guy who was swimming in the nasty Brazos River!

Lyrics I'm Humming:
Take My Hand

Does God Want You to be Rich?

Today was the official start of the CCDA (Christian Community Development Association) conference. And, it was a good day!

Yesterday morning, we had a class (with 22 other people) with Dr. Wayne Gordon and then Dr. John Perkins.

Then, today, (with 2,000 other people) I heard Dr. Alyn Waller.

And, they all had their own unique passion to talk about!

However, the one thing that they all mentioned was the
misunderstood notion of God's people being blessed with wealth.

Does God Want You To Be Rich?? is an article Time Magazine put together...but, it's not the first time this topic has come up.

It's often taught in church that if you follow God, he will bless you with prosperity and a wealthy life.

However, this has never sat very good in my stomach, and after spending 3 months in Haiti and learning about the world, the idea that God blesses his people with wealth has even made me more uncomfortable...

First of all: Does God love a surburban business-man more than He loves a starving child in Uganda? Because a Christian family in Iraq does not have a lot of material wealth, does that make them any less blessed by God??

Well....Wayne, John, and Alyn brought some Biblical understanding to this struggle!!!

God may give us abundance in wealth, but we must give that wealth to others!

God will bless us with an abundant life...

But, what is the abundant life??

I don't know if a "heap of things" is actually the abundant life...

Our Western culture has taken Christianity to a mainstream level and sometimes it's not even Biblical!!

Materialism, Greed, Consumerism, and Selfishness
as a way of life is accepted in soooo many suburban churches!

Please rethink the Prayer of Jabez...please rethink this.

I am continuing to think about Christianity and to think about the difference between being a Western Culterized Christian and being a Christ-Follower.

Lyrics I'm Humming:
Red and Yellow, Black and White, We are Precious in His Sight!
Jesus Loves the Little Children of the World!

Who Owns the Pond?

Instead of just giving a man a fish to eat, I've always been taught to actually teach him how to fish.
But, today...my eyes were opened to a new question...
Who Owns the Pond?

This was Tony Campolo, Shaine Claiborne, and Cheryl Epine's question as they taught us today.

I had class from 9am-9pm with a short break for lunch and dinner. That is about 10 hours straight of learning from some amazing Christ-followers!

Tony Campolo:

Man, can this guy rattle what you "know" is "true." I read his books and I am challenged, and I think there just can't be anything else that he could possibly open my eyes to! Boy, am I wrong!

Today, in a classroom of 23 eager students, he...once again...shocked my core.

In case you don't know the name, "Tony Campolo"...let me give you a quick example of what he stands for...

In front of a large audience of conservative Christians...Tony's opening comments were this: "Every day 30,000 children die of hunger, and you don't give a shit about it! And, most of you sitting there are more outraged that I said the word "shit"...than the fact that there are 30,000 kids dying today." Now...he is a challenger.

We started off with a question. "What was Jesus trying to accomplish? What was His mission statement?"

-In Matthew, Mark, and Luke, Jesus declares his purpose first...He actually spells out his mission statement..."I am here to declare the Kingdom of Heaven at hand!" I am here to bring the Kingdom of God to Earth!

What's the Kingdom??

Well, it's the upside-down view of the world that Jesus brings!
Where the poor are lifted up,
the last are first,
it is almost impossible for the rich to get to heaven,
and things of this world do not make sense!

In fact, the Bible spells out EXACTLY what the Kingdom looks like!
-Micah 6
-Isaiah 61
-Isaiah 58
-Zechariah 8
-Isaiah 65 (my favorite right now!)

We then spent a lot of time talking about judgement and what JESUS says about who gets to heaven...

First: It is a narrow road.
Second: It is easier for a camel to get throught the whole of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Heaven.

Christianity is about MY salvation...but you CANNOT ignore Jesus' direction to bring the Kingdom to Earth. You cannot ignore this! It is picking and choosing what you want to hear from the Bible!

Do you know what Jesus talks about more than anything else during His short time on Earth??

The KINGDOM!

Some say that it is solely my salvation...and that bringing the Kingdom to earth is not necessary... *

...However...It is awfully hard to argue with Jesus' words (and Ephesians, Philippians...)

In Matthew: A rich man asks Jesus how he can get to heaven? (19:6) ...And, Jesus responds, "If you want to get to Heaven, follow my commandments!" (16:7). And, Jesus then challenges us by saying to the man that he must sell his possessions and give to the poor!

It is not just about ME! The greatest commandment is about MY love to God...but that's not it! Jesus doesn't stop there!!! He says "the second is to Love Your Neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:37). It is not just about Me and it is not just about showing love to others....it is BOTH!!!

But, here's the verse that really gets to me
and it very very very very clear!

Matthew 25:31-46

Jesus clearly says that whoever does to the least of these does to Jesus.
Whoever does not do for the least of these does not to to Jesus.

And, here is where the judgement day comes into play.

"Jesus will reply, I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for teh one of the least of these, you did not do fo me...THEN, they will go away to ETERNAL PUNISHMENT, but the righteous to eternal life!"

Wow. That's pretty clear!

Now...Tony is not preaching a 100% social justice gospel. It is both my salvataion and how I help the least of these.

"Don't preach a Christianity that just makes Jesus your boyfriend"
-Tony (Now, if that doesn't gross you out, I don't know what will!)

There is a social dimension to this world! There is interaction with the world!

Ok...Now here's the seemingly silly, yet common question.
Was Jesus just kidding? Did He really mean what He said?

(I'll let you answer that one on your own.)


1.) Tony then challenged my thinking on the worship music of today. Something I never thought about...but, Tony definitely made the problem clear today!

So much of our praise music now focuses on MY relationship internally with God. It is about MY salvation. BUT, How much of our music calls us into a social justice position?? Old-school hymns did!

I'm still kinda hazy on this topic because I was super resistant to hear it in the first place!

2.) Abortion. The topic that makes a lot of Christians conservative (that and gay marriages...which Tony definitely talked about!)

Republicans are two groups:
-Evangelicals who are pro-life
-Country-clubbers who are pro-choice.

How does the Republican party keep both groups pro-Republican???

"It's easy!!" -says Tony!

Have a pro-life platform, and then do NOTHING about it when you're in office! (says Tony with a smirk on his face...'cause we all know how true that is!)

What are the Republicans waiting for! There's been a Republican president, a Republican Congress, a Republican Senate, a Republican Cabinet! What happened to the Republican platform of pro-life? Illegal abortion in the first trimester was enacted..but what about the second and the third??

The class laughed at Tony's sarcasm and humor in this situuation!

Second issue with abortion: Why make it illegal? Poor people will still do in in a back alley with a knife. We need to focus on making it economically possible for these expecting-mothers to have kids!

Tony made me think. He made me mad! He made me challenge who I claim Jesus is.

"We're marketing Jesus. We've taken the blood from the cross, turned it into koolade and passed it out all over the world." (Shane Claiborne)

Great Shane Claiborne quotes:

"You try to be a good Samaritan, but after pulling so many people out of the ditch, you think...maybe the road to Jericho needs to be repaved."

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After Shane's time in Iraq (post Iraqi war)...Shane was blown away by the number and quality of Christians in Iraq....the families...the kids...the HUGE Christian worship services at night...women speaking in the church...just the power and beauty of the Iraqi Christians. Shane was talking to an Iraqi Bishop saying "wow. there are so many passionate Christians in Iraq!"

And, the Iraqi Bishop patiently responding to the crying, sobbing Shane..."Shane, Christianity started here. The Garden of Eden was here. Jesus was actually HERE. Christianity wasn't created in America; it was domesticated there..."

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"We aren't just called to be believers; we're called to be disciples."

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"We don't just want to be against something; we want to be FOR something."

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The other lectures...art in ministry, grant writing, positive development, Iraqi peace projects, the many Iraqi Christians praying for the Christians in America, and many other topics challenged me!

Final Point: This is not hopeless! The lectures are not at all a "hope is lost" mentality! There is hope and there is love! I'm just focusing on 2% of what was even talked about!



But the questions to the fish question are even bigger yet...Not only...Who Owns the Pond?...

But...Who polluted the pond?
Who put the gate up around the pond?

Please, ask these questions! Think about what is happening in our world, in your city, in your backyard.

Lyrics I'm Humming:
On Christ, the Solid Rock I Stand.

*Please don't play the "what if" game...What if someone dies one-minute before she dies and cannot help bring the Kingdom to Earth? Bottom line: GOD IS JUST. GOD IS LOVE. GOD IS GOOD.

A Biblical Foundation for Christian Community Development

(Downtown Philly!
I did not take this picture...thanks gettyimages.com!)

This blog is dedicated to Sherry...she is such a beautiful woman. She always finds a way to encourage me and lift me up. I spent two summers working near her at Valley Church in West Des Moines, and my dad just told me that she wants me to update my blog more! : ) I love you, Sherry!


I am in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania right now. 2 hours from New York City. 3 hours from Washington DC. 24 hours from Waco. 17 hours from West Des Moines. 18 hours driving + 6 hour boat ride from Haiti.

I'm taking a class at Truett Seminary in Waco, Texas this week. The class MSSN 7387: Community Development and Ministry is a one-week intensive class in Philadelphia. We're learning about social change and the Christian mindset. Christian Community Development Association (CCDA) is having their annual conference in Philadelphia, so as a part of the class, we're attending the conference for half the week.

The other part of the class is a serious of lectures focusing on community development by Christians, tours of inner-city churches and non-profit Christian organizations, and a glimpse of inner-city life in Philadelphia.

I've been thirsting for some life in a city lately.
I love Waco and I love Baylor,
but I've been in a deperate need to escape the Suburban mindsets for a while.
And, Philly is exactly what I needed.

Tonight we had our first lecture, and I am blown away. There are 23 students taking this class with me...from all over the world. I can't believe the diversity of the 23 people that sat in one room: black, brown, caramel, rich, poor, educated in the university, educated on the streets, American, African, young, old. It was beautiful. It was very Kingdom.

Jimmy Dorrell, my pastor at Church Under the Bridge, was the first lecturer tonight.

If you don't have time to read the rest of my blog, or you don't want to...Here's what he talked about:

Christians are called to serve the poor.
Christians are called to bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth.
Christianity is deeper than "my salvation."

Now...Here's a brief summary of my notes.

Old Testament Examples of
God's Care for the Poor and Oppressed:

1.) The Year of Jubilee:
Every 50 years was the year of Jubilee. All land was to go back to the original owner. It was to clean the slate and start over. God commanded us to do this so the rich don't get richer and the poor don't get poorer. Systems can become sinful...not just individuals.

2.) Amos and Micah:
Pretty much the social-justice guys! And, they were community developers!

Amos talked to a super-spiritual crowd (much like Baylor)...where the poor were being taken advantage of by the rich. God is sick of the rich's outward religious talk!

Micah told us in 6:8 to love justice and mercy and to walk humbly with the Creator.

3.) Isaiah 58 and 61:
Rebuild the cities! Good news for the poor is coming (Jesus)!! Stop doing religious fasting/practices, and help the poor!!!!

You must balance these religious practices with acts!!!
Get out there are care for the people!

Christians flock to the 'burbs...and the Church is no longer in the city!!!

It's about the New Jerusalem!!! The Kingdom!! The City!!

4.) Sodom and Gommorah (Ezekial 16:49):
Sodom's sin wasn't just sexual charades...It was the apathetic attitudes towards to poor and the overconsumption! Arrogant...unconcerned with the poor...overfed.

New Testament Examples of
God's Care for the Poor and Oppressed:

1.) Sheep and the Goats! (Matthew 25):
Christianity isn't just about MY salvation...it's about helping the least of these. You go to Hell if you don't help the least of these! Ouch! I've never heard that preached before!!

~Matthew 25: Judgement for those who don't help the least of these
~My Salvation: Judgemnt for those who aren't saved

***It's both! You have to do both! The ultra-Evangelical movement has made it all about MY salvation! The "turn or burn" movement took it to an extreme!! They are both true!! It's not either/or!

To be Biblically mature, you must have some tensions!

There is now a move of Christians going to the other extreme...making Christianity about social justice. HOWEVER!! WARNING!!! You cannot go to the other extreme! It is about my salvation and helping the least of these!

2.) Beattitudes:
Blessed are the physically and the spiritually poor

How do you deal with that?

3.) 1 John 3:17:
Specifically aimed at wealthy people who do not care for the poor.

"If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?"

Christianity is bigger than words. It's about your actions.

4.) Galatians 2:10:

Remember the poor.

We Then Talked About Serving...Why Do People Serve???

1.) People Serve... For Self-Interest
-volunteer work for your resume
-help 'cause it makes you feel good inside

2.) People Serve...Because of the Moral Order
-help 'cause it's a societal thing.

3.) People Serve...Because God Says So
-help 'cause God helped you and you should help someone else.

4.) People Serve...Because of Love
-help 'cause Christ's love compels me to.
-I can't not love the city and the poor, because God loves me.

THE BIG MOMENT!!! THE BIG POINT!!! DON'T MISS THIS!!

The Great Reversal: Early 1900s

-The Conservative Christians ran away from the Liberals!
AND...This incredible tension developed.

Conservatives: "Turn or Burn" Focus on Evangelism
Liberals: Social Justice

Must be both!!
The two sides must be integrated*!!!
Both are Christianity!

Here's the part for you to reflect upon:
What kind of church do you go to???

1.) Pillar Church: Power people, wealthy, strong downtown church, important, connections, money, influence.

2.) Pilgrim Church: Relocated to where their people are coming from, suburban church, focus on church growth, homogeneous, look alike, think alike.

3.) Survivor Church: In city, survived crisis after crisis, attitude of "yeah, but we're still here", been in the location for a loooong time.

4.) Servant Church: Take care of each one another. The kind of church you want to be at when you're sick.

5.) Prophet Church: Fighting against cultural norms, challenge the "wine-skins" of traditional church, heterogenous mix.

The image we have of our church changes and shapes the way the church does community development!

There are different people inside the churches who are challenging their church to be Kingdom-fill...
-Innovators!
-Early Adopters
-Middle Adopters
-Late Adopters
-Resisters

Who Are You???

I am definitely a LATE adopter, and I am still resisting some of this!!! : )
God, please soften my hard, selfish heart!!!!!!!

Well, basically, I am just sooo excited for this week!!!! This is exactly where I'm supposed to me right now! I couldn't think of anything else I'd rather be doing!

Tomorrow morning, we're taking a tour of lots of different inner-city churches...and looking at everything from the type of cars in the parking lot to who their audience is to what type of ministries they run to who funds them!

I am so stinkin' excited!

Then, lots more lecutures and tours!

Please leave me your thoughts and questions!!!
I want to hear what you're thinking!

P.S. I met a guy tonight who spent 3 months in Haiti when he was 24 years old! We went by himself to learn what it's like to live in the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. We talked a lot about our experiences pre, during, and post! What a blessing from God that was!

*Holistic (25 cent word for integration!)

Lyrics I'm Humming:
Jesus Loves Me, This I Know

Stitching Together

I've been doing some reflecting on who I am and what my goals are. And, I...again and again...see myself as a bridge.

I have an economic mind, who understands some realities of the world...while, at the same time, my heart is the heart of a social worker, pouring out for the people. I see myself as a bridge between the intellectuals and the grassroot workers. I hope that throughout my life, in school, in work...that I will be able to connect people together who desire to help the poor...but have different ways of thinking.

While I was in Haiti, I was blown away with the creativity of the people and the inventiveness when situations arose.

I gave a soccerball to my friend, Awol, and he shared that ball with everyone. That soccerball saw many feet and many goals! But, due to rocky terrain and rough-play, the ball eventually ripped. It completely deflated, and I was completely bummed. This one ball gave so much enjoyment to so many people in the community! I was so disappointed that it was broked.

The next week, I saw something that lifted my spirits up again! Awol was re-stitching the soccerball. With a needle and thick thread, he was re-weaving the laces in the ball. This broken ball, that so many suburban kids would have just thrown-away, was being rebuilt by my Haitian friend.

While Awol fixed the ball, I couldn't help but lose myself in the moment. We were by the beach. The air was warm, but there was a salty breeze coming in through the sugar cane plants. Awol was sitting on a pile of logs, later to be used for light during the dark nights. Four little boys were playing soccer with a homemade ball in their underwear on the dirt ground around us.

And, all the while, Awol was slowing weaving his worn, black fingers in and out of the soccerball, patiently attending to the needs of the ball. He quietly worked, knowing that the meticulous work would require much time and dedication.

Awol, now aware that I was studying his fingers, asked me to photograph him. I, excited to capture this moment on my camera, told him to just keep working. I took four pictures of him, while he continued to work away.


After I stood there for a while, I saw so much in common between myself and Awol. We both see potential in something that so many so easily throw away. So many people are quick to trash Haiti and are easily discouraged when something breaks. They think it would be easier to just buy a new ball, to just invest in a different country. But, like Awol, I will patiently use my resources, I will meticulously work at stitching together the beauty that I see in Haiti.

But, more than that...I hope that someone or something will capture my dedicated work in a timeless fashion. Like the photo of Awol mending the ball, I know that I can have my hard work and my visions captured...I want to make a lasting difference in one individual...in one country...in one neighborhood.

And, that is the connection I see between the first-world and the third-world. The connection is the thread. The connection is the people who see potential in something seen as unfixable.

Lyrics I'm Humming:
Into Marvelous Light I'm Running!

Changing Perceptions

Finally, this morning I felt a gentle peace for the first time since being back in the USA. I went to my Waco church home, Church Under the Bridge, where I was greeted by many warm faces and words saying I was missed. For the first time, I felt not like a foreigner here in America. For the first time, I could breathe a sigh of gladness to be here.

I have been really sad being back here in America. Sadness is the best word I can come up with to expain how I've been feeling.

Things that last Spring I would have laughed at or merely ignored make me cry...

*In my Economic Development class on Monday, the first day of school, I was fighting to hold back tears in the middle of the hour and thirty minute class. Our teacher was talking about the numbers and statistics of poverty in third-world countries...he was using humor to intrigue the Baylor students with matters of Economic Development...he was poking fun at the rural working poor in developing countries. And, frankly, the joke was funny and it was not mean-spirited. This teacher has such an obvious heart for helping poor countries.

However...I couldn't take it. I couldn't stand the students giggling behind me. I couldn't stand how methodical the class was sounding. These weren't numbers of illiterate women...these weren't numbers of deaths due to AIDS.

HE is Emilio. SHE is Linda. HE is Kingston. SHE is Bernadette. HE is Makendy.
They are people and some of them are my family.

I am way too sensitive...but, the sadness has just been overwhlming.

*On Thursday night at Common Grounds, a trendy college coffee bar, I was sitting outside on a really cute patio with one of my friends. We were talking about her life and her new, exciting semester ahead...

...A girl who worked at Common Grounds was outside cleaning up empty cups and straighening up the tables and chairs...One chair was kinda losing the armrest....and, she came up to my friend and I and said something I will never forget. She said..."Man...it's like a third-world country out here." I couldn't believe her comment. WHAT?! I didn't know what to say...I just kinda looked down...very uncomfortably. There is nothing at this hip, upper-middle-class coffee bar that reminds me of a third-world country. What a disgusting comment.

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This morning at church, I finally felt at home.
I finally felt like I was surrounded by others who saw the Kingdom of God with similar eyes.

Jimmy Dorrell, the pastor of the church and a man whom I admire soooo much, spoke today from James Chapter 2:1-13. He talked about the beauty of Jesus and how so many churches and Christians in America do not understand the simple concept of unity under Christ.

Christianity is revolutionary because it is counter-cultural.
Jesus Christ draws crowds because it is so apparant that he is different from popular culture.

In Christianity, we are all equal. White, black, brown, rich, poor, middle-class...We are all the same under God. Church Under the Bridge is such a beautiful place to be. The church is so diverse and we can stand united under Christ is a way so revolutionary to today's capitalistic culture.

Any type of segregation within the church rapes the Gospels of God's Word. Any type of segregation...racial, socio-economical, cultural, gender based...

Today at Church Under the Bridge I saw a man and his wife (Jimmy and Janet Dorrell) living out the Kingdom of God. They live what Jesus preaches. They broke away from the middle-class mentality into a new way of living. They dedicate their lives to bringing the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth in Waco, Texas.

When I first went to Haiti, I was with Jimmy and Janet. They have both had such a huge impact on my perspectives on the world. I look up to them so much.

If only we can just share what we have.
Isn't that so easy to say? If God gives us, we need to share. We must share the things that are given to us, generously, by God.
But, that is so hard to do. We like our things, and in fact, many people would argue that they-themselves worked to achieve those things on their own. (Myself often included)
But, for Christians, that is robbing God of His glory.
And, I desire to give glory to God.
I want so bad for Him to smile when He looks at my life.
I want to experience Him.

Lyrics I'm Humming:
Viv Gloria Viv (Haitian worship song)

See Where My Feet Take Me

John's feet in the back of a pick-up truck behind our house in Leogane.

Do you know that you can mentally make your physical body sick? Mathilde told me about women in mental asylums who actually think they're pregnant when they're not...and, their stomachs expand as if they're pregnant. Their physical body responds to the mental power. Our minds are so strong.

Today, I was physically sick. But, I think it was (and is) because of my mind. My mind is just not feeling well. I ate one meal today (at Rudy's)...and I felt so gross eating it. I just wanted to throw it up the moment we left the restaurant. I couldn't eat anything else the rest of the night.

But, I was thinking.
I was thinking about Makendy. I was thinking about Emilio.
I was thinking about Kedjen. I was thinking about Mikayel.
I was thinking about my friends...my family.

I drank some water and then decided that I needed to go for a run. My eyes wanted to explode with tears and for some reason all I wanted to do was run.

So, I ran.

I ran so fast and I ran with blurry eyes from the wetness of my tears. I was running for every Haitian who can't run away. I was running for the prisoners who cannot leave. I was running for my friends who are stuck and have so many odds going against them.

In the middle of my run, I stopped and I layed down on the grass looking up at the baby blue sky. There were five vultures circling around me. I wondered if they thought I was dead. The sky looked so huge. It looked so free. And, as I was watching these birds fly...I reminded myself that I maybe saw five birds total in Haiti. What a beautiful thing to see birds in the sky. We are so lucky to have birds to daily remind us of the freedoms we have.

I just cried on the grass. I was crying for so many mixed reasons. Partly, I was tired. Partly, I was sick. But, mostly...I was crying for my friends who can't fly away.

My foot in the sea just north of Leogane.

We all have feet to walk on. We all have feet to run on. It's so weird to look at my feet and think about every place that my feet have touched. I was looking at my feet today, and I just started crying more when I thought about how many places these feet have been. There are so many people in the world who will never be able to go places with their feet. We all should be able to use our feet to experience new land. To experience new life. To experience reality. Why is it that my feet have been able to touch so many beautiful places and see so many wonderful grounds. They're just feet.

Tomorrow I start school at Baylor University. It's my senior year in college. I am so old. I am so young. I have learned so much. I have so much yet to learn.

I think what makes me sad too...people I who have the opportunity to run and learn new things...but don't.

Lyrics I'm Humming:
It's a Wonderful World

Signs of Misery

Two beautiful children.

Wow. I am having so many feelings right now. My amazing friend, Ally Wesley, is visiting me right now in West Des Moines. I haven't really been able to "debrief" with anyone constantly until this week. I've been able to share a few bits and pieces of what I experienced in Haiti...but, I haven't really been able to share everything. Some stuff is way to embarassing, some stuff is way to real, some stuff is way to miserable, some stuff just isn't interesting, some stuff doesn't make a "good two-minute story" But...with Ally, I've been able to talk about it all.

-----------------------------------

And, looking back on the summer... I think the two things that are impossible to miss are the dirty money and the walking-dead dogs. These are two things that Haiti cannot hide.

Misery can somewhat be hidden...stories can be altered...smiles can be forced...but, physical things such as money and dogs are always present.

Dirty Money...

Now, that is an interesting concept. The money is so dirty that sometimes the bills feel like a liquid. They almost seem to disolve in your hand when you touch them.

The Haitian currency is the Haitian Dollar...and there are 5 gourdes in the dollar. All of the currency is in gourdes though...the Haitian Dollar doesn't really exist.

I've never been given money in the US that is even close to as dirty as some of the Haitian gourdes were. You often couldn't tell what the amount of the bill was because the ink was so worn out.

Disease and bacteria are for sure spread by the dirty money. Washing hands is not a common activity... and, the money is not considered dirty.

One time, a man wouldn't take my 200 gourde piece because there was a little tear in the upper corner. I couldn't believe it. I had to go to another man to change my money...He kindly helped me and gave me a "better" gourde.

I was shocked with the money. I was sadened by the money. What a common thing in America. What a common thing in Haiti. What a world of difference.

Walking-Dead Dogs...

I can't believe the dogs in Haiti. I can't believe how sick they are. The dogs all look the same. They are tan colored, pointy ears...same breed... The dogs all mate with each other, and a tough Creole dog is created.

At night the dogs fight. I can't believe the fighting of dogs at night. One kid explained the fighting to me as "making love..." I thought to myself..."more like gang rape." But, that is interesting too. The kids see "making love" in such a different fashion. Women are oppressed so much in Haiti. What I would call "gang rape," kids look at as normal... wow.

For mature readers: The male dogs have black testicals...Black as night. It is awful. And, the female dogs have black nipples. Black because of bacteria? Black because of disease? Black because of malnutrition? Yes. Yes. Yes.

.

There was one dog...who the kids called "Puppy" which I was terrified of. He was so sick and was already dead. His eyes were red. His fur was gone. He was so dirty. I touched him one time at night accidentally... I immediately ran upstairs and washed both legs...no, I scrubbed both legs.

An elderly woman at the Catholic Church who loves Makendy. She was always so kind to him.

.

These two things surprised me so much. I did not even think about what the money would look like. And, I thought the dogs were going to be bad...but, I wasn't expecting what I saw.

.

It is still so awful to meet beautiful, kind people...to meet children (above picture)...to meet elderly (above picture)...to meet the sick...to meet the hurting... And, to see these wonderful people living in a place with so much misery.

.

I am so embarassed of my home. I am embarassed of where I live. I am embarassed by my closet. I am embarassed by our paved streets. I thought that I would feel more guilt...but, to my surprise embarassment has been the most powerful emotion.

.

I was in Kansas City last weekend with Kelly's (my brother) soccer team for a tournament. I had a really hard weekend. I couldn't stop thinking about Makendy and wishing that he had a father or a mother to cheer him on at a soccer game. The soccer team went to a buffet restaurant...I couldn't go. I can't stand buffet restaurants. Why do we need to "eat all we can eat?" As Ellen Degeneres says..."We don't need to eat all we can eat. We're not hibernating! The next night we're going to go back to the same restaurant and eat all-we-can-eat again!" Good point.

.

God really challenged me in Haiti. He showed me some ugly sides to Haiti. He showed me more misery than I imagined. I felt like He was asking me, "How much do you really love this country, Megan?" He daily challenged my passion for Haiti. And, I had some hard days. I had some serious questions about my passion. But, I love Haiti. I love the ugliness. I love the misery. I love the beauty. I am more convinced than ever that Haiti is one of my passions. I think you really love someone when you see their faults, and you see their ugliness...and you can still say you love them. That's love.

.

A little child in Destra exploring the beach.

.

So, the signs of misery taught me a lot.

The misery in Haiti stretched me in ways I never thought possible.

And, my love of the signs of misery is a sign of my love for Haiti.

.

Lyrics I'm Humming:

Wyclef Jean's If I Was President

Culture Shock

Culture Shock is a term I've always been famililiar with...however...there are many stages to having a culture shock, and I have experienced the best and the worst of each stage. Understanding the different stages has made me feel less crazy, and makes me realize that many people around the world go through what I'm going through.

Makendy Estimphil, a little orphan boy who lived with me in Leogane, had a crucial role in each stage of my culture shock. I think it is so important to have a person helping you adjust...and Makendy, without knowing it, was the one person who stuck through me with each stage. And, to him, I am forever grateful.

Stage One: Initial Euphoria

The first stage is the incubation stage. In this first stage, the new arrival may feel euphoric and be pleased by all of the new things encountered. This time is called the "honeymoon" stage, as everything encountered is new and exciting.


Stage Two: Culture Shock/ Rejection Phase

Afterwards, the second stage presents itself. A person may encounter some difficult times and crises in daily life. For example, communication difficulties may occur such as not being understood. In this stage, there may be feelings of discontent, impatience, anger, sadness, and feeling incompetence. This happens when a person is trying to adapt to a new culture that is very different from the culture of origin. Transition between the old methods and those of the new country is a difficult process and takes time to complete. During the transition, there can be strong feelings of dissatisfaction.
Stage 2
Problems! School, language, shopping — everything is difficult. Things that were simple back home require more effort in the new country. It seems hard to make friends, and at this point, foreign visitors may begin to believe that the local people are unfriendly. Homesickness begins, and along with it complaints about the new country. This is the stage we hear referred to as "culture shock."


Stage Three: Recovery / Regression Integration Stage.

The third stage is characterized by gaining some understanding of the new culture. A new feeling of pleasure and sense of humor may be experienced. One may start to feel a certain psychological balance. The new arrival may not feel as lost and starts to have a feeling of direction. The individual is more familiar with the environment and wants to belong. This initiates an evaluation of the old ways versus those of the new.

If you don't survive stage two successfully, you may find yourself moving into stage three: the "regression phase." The word "regression" means moving backward, and in this phase of culture shock, you spend much of your time speaking your own language, watching videos from your home country, eating food from home. You may also notice that you are moving around campus or around town with a group of students who speak your own language. You may spend most of this time complaining about the host country/culture.
Also in the regression phase, you may only remember the good things about your home country. Your homeland may suddenly seem marvelously wonderful; all the difficulties that you had there are forgotten and you may find yourself wondering why you ever left (hint: You left to learn English!). You may now only remember your home country as a wonderful place in which nothing ever went wrong for you. Of course, this is not true, but an illusion created by your culture shock 'disease.'

Stage 3
Recovery. The foreign visitor begins to use the language more fluently, so communication with locals becomes easier. Customs and traditions become clearer, and slowly the situation passes from impossible to hopeful. Minor misunderstandings which were stressful in stage 2 become manageable.

Stage Four: Stability / At-Ease-At-Last Phase Acceptance Stage

In the fourth stage, the person realizes that the new culture has good and bad things to offer. This stage can be one of double integration or triple integration depending on the number of cultures that the person has to process. This integration is accompanied by a more solid feeling of belonging. The person starts to define him/herself and establish goals for living.

Stage 4
Stability. Eventually foreign visitors begin to feel more at home in the new country. What they do not like about their new country no longer makes them so dissatisfied and unhappy. Life has settled down, and they are now able to find humor in the situations in which they find themselves.

If you survive the third stage successfully (or miss it completely) you will move into the fourth stage of culture shock called the "recovery phase" or the "at-ease-at-last phase." In this stage you become more comfortable with the language and you also feel more comfortable with the customs of the host country. You can now move around without a feeling of anxiety. You still have problems with some of the social cues and you may still not understand everything people say (especially idioms). However, you are now 90% adjusted to the new culture and you start to realize that no country is that much better than another - it is just different lifestyles and different ways to deal with the problems of life.
With this complete adjustment, you accept the food, drinks, habits and customs of the host country, and you may even find yourself preferring some things in the host country to things at home. You have now understood that there are different ways to live your life and that no way is really better than another, just different. Finally, you have become comfortable in the new place.

Stage Five: Re-entry Shock

The fifth stage is the stage that is called the "re-entry shock." This occurs when a return to the country of origin is made. One may find that things are no longer the same. For example, some of the newly acquired customs are not in use in the old culture.


http://edweb.sdsu.edu/people/CGuanipa/cultshok.htm#etapas

Tou Va Byen?

(Martino in Destra giving me a salut by the sea. Martino was one of the students at Ma Petite Ecole...lots of personality, that boy!)


When asked how you are in Kreole...you can answer by saying "Tou Va Byen" (meaning "all is well")

And, when asked that question after safely arriving in the US...I don't know how to answer...

How am I?

Well... I made it safely back to West Des Moines, Iowa. Thank you so much for your prayers. They were well heard and much needed. I felt so protected on the car ride from Leogane to the Port-au-Prince airport. God is so amazing.

How am I?

Well...I took a hot shower tonight and used real soap...so I smell good now.

How am I?

I'm not sweating and am comfortably sitting in an air-conditioned room using a fast internet access on my own personal computer.

But, honestly..."Tou Pa Va Byen." ... All is not well...

How am I?

I'm not okay.

I'm incredibly overwhelmed. I can't believe that this morning I was in the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere...and now, I am sitting in the richest. The excess here is overwhelming. My bedroom is awful. I can't believe how many things I have.

But, really...the thing that is really making me sick is that I'm not just seeing excess in the US and knowing that there is so much need in Haiti... I am sick because I have friends in Haiti who are hungry right now. I have friends in Haiti who don't have money to go to school. It's no longer just a number or an idea...These people are my friends...my family.

I have no idea what to do. I am completely at a loss for how to explain my thoughts to others. My heart is overflowing with things to say...but, I am horrible at explaining my experience...I either overwhelm the person asking me with too much information, make them feel guilty, or tell them a short story that really doesn't represent my experience.

And, I don't really like thinking of Haiti as an "experience." These past three months are not just "my time in Haiti, and now I move on..." It was my life...It is my life. I have friends in Haiti now. I have family in Haiti now. I hope I never look back at this summer thinking, "Wow, that was so great when I helped Haiti that one time." I hope I will look at this summer as just the first step in my life with Haitians.

(Kingston singing and Wisley playing the guitar at class one Friday at Funny Summer)

My last day (Monday, July 31st) in Leogane was full of emotions. At Funny Summer (the English/French class that Kingston runs), they had a fun party for me and Mathilde. They sang for us and said thank yous and said goodbyes and took pictures. It was so beautiful. I felt so appreciated.

Then, at night, Kingston, Mr. X, Wisley, Pierre, Dali, Dominique, Benoit, John, Makendy, Georgia, Fernandez, Mathilde, and I all had a goodbye party at Au Bon Cafe. Wisley brought his guitar and we sang some good Kreole music! It was such a wonderful time. I just love those guys. They are so full of life and hope, and they have so many ideas for Haiti. It's beautiful. Wow, I am going to miss Kingston.

(Makendy, his mom, and his little brother at her home in Destra)

Man...saying goodbye to Makendy was awful. Yesterday, I gave him a bunch of my things. Allie (my sister) gave me a great Puma soccer backpack..and I just filled it with fun things for Makendy. He was so excited to get all the gifts. He was kissing me and thanking me and crying! It was so beautiful.

(Makendy and I in Destra)

I gave him my French Bible (from Miss Cortez) with lots of notes written by my favorite verses for him. I gave him some of my clothes and shoes and socks. I gave him a great tye-dye soccer ball. I gave him a picture of my family with his name written as a part of the family. I wrote him a letter telling him how much I love him.

(Makendy, Emilio, and I in front of the house this morning before leaving for the airport)

This morning, we rode to the airport with Makendy, Emilio, John, Syro, Yoleine, and Benoit. Makendy and Emilio were both wearing the clothes that I gave them! Emilio was wearing the University of Iowa shirt I gave him, and Makendy was wearing my shirt, shorts, shoes, socks, and carrying the ball I gave him. My eyes swelled with tears.

So, I don't really know yet if "tou va byen." Right now, I am just so happy that I was able to share life with my friends in Leogane this summer. I can't believe that tomorrow morning I'm not going to wake up to roosters and Makendy singing in the backyard. Wow. It just doesn't seem real.

(Coconut tree just after a cold rain at the beach with Funny Summer on Friday)

So, this is an apology for how awful I will be at explaining to you my life in Leogane.

I hope I can do a little bit to show you the beauty, life, and color of Haiti.

Lyrics I'm Humming:

No Woman, No Cry (Bob Marley)

Life Is About Sharing

One of my favorite things Jesus said was in Matthew 25 when he talked about he or she who helps the "least of these" is actually helping Jesus. If you give to the hungry, love the little children, spend time with the elderly...you are in reality feeding Jesus, loving Jesus, and giving yourself to Him.

(Kingston is in the blue shirt. This is Kingston, Dominique, Michelson, and I at the beach yesterday. Kingston paid for me, Mathilde, and Makendy to get in and he paid for us to eat...)

But, I see that verse in a much deeper light now. Kingston, one of the most beautiful Christian men I've ever met, explained to me a simple concept: Sharing Life. He sees following Jesus as living a life of sharing. He shares everything he has.

(Emilio's dad cutting me a piece of sugar cane with a huge smile on his face. He finds so much joy in sharing his food with us.)

Life is about sharing time.

Life is about sharing stories with each other.

Life is about sharing food.

Live is about sharing things.

Life is about sharing love.

Life is about sharing laughs.

If you have excess of something, you should always share it. Kingston has taught me so much of what it means to be generous. His humility and generosity have blown me away this summer.

And, I see so much joy in sharing. If everyone just shares what he or she has, what a beautiful world that would be.

I feel that it is so important to share lives with each other. I grow so much from others' advice and others' experiences. Kingston has shared with me his story and his life, and I shared with him my story and my life. And, in a very beautiful fashion, we were both able to connect and grow together.

My mom and dad always taught me, Allie, and Kelly the importance of a "tennis-match" conversation. This is the type of conversation where you share something, the other person shares something, and then you ask questions,a dn the other person asks questions. It's just like a tennis-match. And, that is sharing conversation. One sided conversation is so selfish and ungenerous.

Generosity is maybe the one quality I want to strive for most in my life. What an amazing compliment to have someone tell you that you are a generous person.

I have seen so much generosity here in Haiti.

And, I have seen so much sharing.

(Emilio's mom with a beautiful smile on her face. I gave her one of the bookmarks that Grandma and I made...and, she wore it as a necklace. And, she loves it! It's so beautiful on her! She's always sharing food, water, life, smiles, and comfort with me and Mathilde whenever we visit her in Destra)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sharing my hat with a beautiful little boy in Destra.

Emilio's mom sharing her home, food, and water with me and Mathilde every time we come to Destra.

Kingston sharing his money with me and everyone around him who asks for help.

Sharing laughs with the kids in the house.

My guitar string broke, and Kingston took my guitar, bought me all new strings, and restrung my entire guitar. That is sharing money, time, and love.

Sharing money and food when someone asks you.

Sharing medicine with a friend who is suffering with serious toothaches.

Giving your time to someone else. For me, giving time is one of the most beautiful ways to share.

So, when Jesus talks about giving to the "least of these"...this is so much deeper than merely giving...it is a matter of sharing and being generous. Jesus gave when people needed something, and he also gave when people wanted something. Jesus gave with a servant heart, not making others feel guilty for His gift.

But, at the same time, I am realizing that sharing with others is hard. It is so hard to share your things with others...it is hard to share your time and energy with others. It is tiring to always share an open ear with someone in need. And, that is where God comes in. I am constantly in desperate need of God to strengthen me. I am so weak on my own.

Prayers are deeply needed for me and Mathilde's safety to the Port-au-Prince airport. Tuesday, August 1 from 6am to 10:45isham we'll be going on the journey to the airport. And, prayers are also needed for the many goodbyes I'm having to say. Pray for my goodbye with Makendy, especially. He has noone in his life who unconditionally loves him. I feel like I've given him that this summer...but, what am I doing? I'm leaving him. Everyone leaves Makendy. I hate this. Please pray for my energy and strength these last few days. Thank you all.

Lyrics I'm Humming:

This is the air I breathe...I'm desperate for You...

Tears

I don't think I've ever understood crying before living in Haiti. I've only cried for myself. I don't think I've ever in my life bawled for the misery of someone else.

My tears are so hard here.

On Sunday, I was at a Catholic Church and it was so beautiful. I completely lost all control of my emotions and began bawling. I had to run back to the house where I could barely breathe I was crying so hard. I was screaming and I was hurting. I fell onto my knees. I had no idea what other position to be in. My face was down. My tears were uncontrolable. I thought I was going to hyperventalate. My heart was burning. I can't believe what I'm seeing here.

The misery in Haiti is unbearable. It is overwhelming.

Every person. Every single person. Everyone has a horrible story of misery.

I know nothing.

Why are children beat?

Why is violence accepted?

How can people go hungry?

Often, I'll ask someone how they're doing...and their answer is "Not too well...I'm hungry." Wow. I've never heard that response before in my life. I don't have any concept of hunger.

My tears in Haiti have been unlike any tears I've ever felt. They are tears of complete grief. It's uncontrolable.

Last night, Mathilde and I bawled so hard that we ended up on the floor laughing. I don't know how to handle myself with so much misery. My body is going crazy.

I threw-up three times yesterday. I have been shaking. I have been getting chills. My body has never seen such sadness...and physically, it's going out-of-control. My face is breaking out like crazy. It's like my body is trying every self-defense mechanism to keep me sane. I've never felt like this before.

Haiti is in slavery. The entire country is enslaved. It is in an Economic Slavery. The chains are invisible...but everyone is a slave. They are slaves because they can't leave their country. They are slaves because there is nothing to do. There is no where to work. They are slaves to misery.

Little children sing miserable songs while playing jump-rope of orphans and hunger. In America, little kids sing songs about Rowing A Boat. I can't believe what I've seen here.

Slavery here is unbelievable.

We need a movement of abolitionists. Slavery needs to be abolished in Haiti.

I can't breathe. The slavery is so intense that I can't breathe. And, when I do breathe the polluted air enters my lungs.

I can't drink water from the facet. There is no water for the people to drink. Water. Water is the most basic need. They don't have drinking water. I don't understand that.

And, yet, all I can think about is Makendy. I love him so much. All I want is to give him a family of unconditional love. He has so many things going against him right now in his life. We cried today outside on the curb. We cried because of teh misery he faces. He daily faces hunger, violence, hatred, and he has no constant love in his life. I can't believe I'm leaving him. I love him so much. I want to give him a family of love. I want so bad to bring him home with me and show him the amazing family love that I have. I want him to run. I want him to go to school. I want him to feel free. I want him to be able to drink water. To take a shower in a shower. To sleep in a bedroom. I want him to feel like someone always loves him no matter what. What would Christ do? For what you do to the least of these, you do to Me. I have so many things I could sell to get money to bring him home. I have so much excess.


Once again, I am crying. But, right now I'm holding my tears back. I feel like a real Haitian. That's something Haitians are very good at...hiding their tears. Hiding their sorrow. Everyone does it. Everyone hides the uncontrolable tears that was to explode at every moment of the day.

Please someone...tell me what to do. I am at a complete loss.

Lord, you are so beautiful. Why do so many children go hungry? Why is there a little girl living across the street as a slave? Why do moms beat their kids? Why do dads leave their families? I don't understand. But, Lord, I do have hope. I will always have hope. Please use me, God. Please use me in one small way to further your Kingdom. All I want is to see your Kingdom on earth as it is in heaven. Please, give children their daily bread. I love you.

Tuesday, August 1, from 6:00am to 10:30am I'm going to be going to the Port-au-Prince airport with Mathilde. We are in serious need of prayer and protection. There have been a lot of kidnappings lately in P-au-P.

Lyrics I'm Humming:

The miserable funeral march song that plays daily in Leogane as there are so many funerals in this town.

Funny Summer

So many emotions have raced through my mind these past few days.

I've screamed at God.
I've cried because of the sadness in Leogane.
I've felt community in Destra.
I've felt love from Makendy.
I've felt lonliness.
I've missed my family.
I've laughed.
I've felt free! At Destra, I ran up and down the beach as fast as I could.
I've felt trapped. I can never find a place to be alone.
I am alone.
But, I can never be alone.

Kedjen's face up close and personal. Man, that girl makes me laugh!

However, I've been trying to hard to find humor and laughter. And, I've definitely found it.

I met a group of guys who have given me so much laughter these past few weeks! Here's just a few things that we've done together!

~The guys are so colorful! They run a club called Funny Summer. It's a summer-school for youth ages 15-25, where they teach English and French. But, they do it in such a fun way! Mathilde and I have been twice to the club, and both times we've ended up teaching! There are over 150 people who come, and it is so beautiful how much they love learning. Everyone looks at us with wide, bright eyes adn is just excited to hear what we have to say. Funny Summer is the vision of the group of guys I've been hanging out with. They want to change the mentality of the youth in Leogane, adn I think they're doing a great job.

~The guys are Kingston (a guy who sings Reggae sooo well!), Mr. X, Dali, Wisley, and Daniel. They all speak really slang, funny English. And, conversation is so real. They're not asking for money. They're not asking for my contact information. They're not talking about my skin pigment. They are just friends interested in Me.

~Kingston, Mr. X., and Dali work at a radio station in Leogane. And, yesterday Mr. X was in Port-au-Prince getting a Visa...so, Mathilde and I were on the radio! We were on from 2:00pm-4:00pm and it was hilarious! I had no idea what to talk about!!

~They all call me Rapp. Super fun!

~Kingston, Dali, Makendy, Mathilde and I went to a dance/singing performance Friday night. We got in for free, because Dali works for the radio and we were with him! : ) It was awesome watching all the dances! Haitians can definitely entertain!

~Kingston, Dali, Mr. X, and Daniel bought me and Mathilde and Makendy cokes at Au Bon Cafe the other night. It was so nice to have someone treat me to something!

~Kingston is one of the neatest people I've ever met. I don't think I've ever met anyone like him. Last night, Kingston, Mathilde and I were at Au Bon Cafe talking for hours. He is such an incredible servant of God. He has visions and ideas for Haiti, and he is working so hard for the youth in Leogane. He uses Funny Summer and his radio station to reach out to the community. I'm just blown away with him and his humility.

I had a really intense moment Sunday night. I was bawling, screeming, and incredibly sad. The misery in Haiti was just to much for me to handle. I needed a hug from God/. I needed to know that He loved me. I needed him to say Good Job...Keep Going. I was in desparate need of Him. I wanted him to move my right foot in front of my left foot so I could keep walking.

And, Monday and today, God hugged me. He hugged me so tight that I couldn't not see his love.

~I got encouraging messages from my friends on Facebook, email, and Blog comments.
~Kingston told me thank you for my hardwork at Ma Petite Ecole.
~The stars were incredible last night.
~Sunday night, it was kind of cool in my room and I didn't wake up sweating.
~The kids were calm in school yesterday and today.

I can't believe I have only two weeks left here. I am just starting to feel community and I am just starting to understand these beautiful people I see daily.

Lyrics I'm Humming:

I Will Survive

Kingdom Living

Images of Light

The soft light setting behind the south sea of Haiti in Destra. Jaime is the boy on the right with the huge stick steering the fishing boat.

The light barely touching Makendy's family's boat.

So, for Phi Lamb, we are sending out a summer newsletter to all the girls...and I thought I'd share with you what I wrote for it...So here goes...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don’t think I ever understood fully the meaning of darkness before living in Haiti for almost 3 months. I understood “dark”…but not “darkness.” Darkness is when night after night you see the color black after the sun is gone. Sometimes you can’t tell if your eyes are open or closed. And, if you’re lucky…sometimes if the moon is bright enough you can see your hand in front of your face.

Well…the house I’m living in has a generator that sometimes works for about an hour at night. It’s always a surprise when it turns on…but, when it’s on we cheer with excitement because now we can see.

I’ve been reading the Good News of Jesus and every time it speaks of light I pay attention. Jesus truly is our light. I’ve seen the simple beauty of this concept before but I’ve never actually grasped the magnificent necessity of Jesus, the Light. It’s so essential to have light.

Without it, I take showers in the blackness with cockroaches brushing against my feet…Without it, I loose a contract because I accidentally missed my case and by the morning the contact was dried up.

The most amazing thing I find about light is that you really don’t need a lot of it to erase the darkness. Just one small candle can change a loud blackness to a soft light. Jesus tells Christians we are the light of the world.

“You can’t blame the darkness for being dark…
but, you can blame the light for not shining on the darkness.”

However, I see in myself a huge fault of pride. And, I humbly realize…I’m not Jesus’ only light. There are servants all over the world showing the light of Jesus. I’m learning to have more humility, less pride, and to empower and encourage other Christians who are living Kingdom lives.

…I have an amazing father who constantly tries to make moral business decisions to show others Jesus…

...I have a beautiful friend who is dedicating her summer to growing and challenging the faith of a bunch of youth…

...I met a down-to-earth woman who lives in the mountains of southern Haiti showing God’s compassion as a nurse in an orphanage…

God’s light is shining all over the world.
So many people are dedicating their daily lives to spreading the flame.
And…illuminating darkness…that is Kingdom living.

~Grace and Joy~
Megan

Lyrics I'm Humming:

This is the Air I Breathe...I'm Desperate For You.

Yesterday

"Look at my servant, whom I strengthen. She is my chosen one, and I am pleased with her. I have put my spirit upon her."

~Isaiah 42:1~

Yesterday was an interesting day. And, by interesting I mean good, bad, ugly, beautiful, hard, and rewarding.

We (Mathilde and I) woke up around 7:00 am to the sound of the rooster outside our window. I was exhausted and needed some strong coffee to get me going.

Good: I turned my quote book to find Isaiah 42:1 smiling back at me (above verse)

Frustrating: Around 8:00 am, I went down to breakfast to find (once again) nothing on the table for us. The concept of being on time for school does not really exist here in Leogane. The school starts at 9:00am, and noone makes it on time. So, Mathilde and I waited and finally at 9:15am we find breakfast...no coffee, but a big plate of spaghetti. I'm still exhausted.


Tiring: The kids were out of control yesterday. I feel more like a babysitter sometimes than a teacher. We have about 20 3yr olds...and about 20 kids who can somewhat write (5-12 yr olds). It's an incredibly hard group to control because of the diverse ages and levels, the summer fever, and the lack of help from the other teachers. Mathilde and I sweat like crazy at school...we are running...we are somewhat yelling...we are running out of ideas...we are frustrated.

Sad: Yesterday, 3 of the teachers sat around while Mathilde was teaching and talked about her and laughed. No...they didn't help control the wild 3 yr olds...No, they didn't offer to help. They laughed at her.

Exhausting: Once again, someone came up to me and asked me if there was something wrong with my nose...what kind of question is that? I asked her if there was something wrong with her nose...Then we both just awkwardly stared at each other.

Relieving: After class, Mathilde and I went up to our room to cry and laugh and vent and cry some more. It's so frustrating sometimes.

Disappointing: While up in our room, I fell asleep...Mathilde overheard a conversation about me and her. They were talking about how Mathilde and I always want coffee in the morning. Man, I am seriously not having a good day.

Adventurous: Azure (who works at the Filariosis House) came to pick me and Mathilde up to show us the house adn their project in Leogane. The house was funded by Bill and Melinda Gates and is incredibly out of place. It's a huge white mansion next to the impoverished market. It's an incredly ironic view. I definitely felt the American Exceptionalism/ City of a Hill concept standing in the house.

Sad: On the walk back from the Filarisis house, there was a group of guys who started yelling...and by yelling, I mean screaming...at me in English... "WHITE! WHITE! ARE YOU STUPID!!? WHITE!!? STUPID!!!" I just kept walking and ignored them...but, it just hurts to have a people group you adore so much sometimes show so much anger towards you. And, I know these guys were just bored and weren't being directly mean at me. But, it still hurts my feelings when someone screams racist things at me while I'm walking down the street.

Thought-provoking: So, Mathilde and I ate dinner/lunch at 4:00pm...It was fish. Now, the fish here is very funky tasting...so on fish days Mathilde and I just eat a little bit...because after meals of fish...let's just say Mathilde, me and the bathroom become pretty good friends... Well...at dinner/lunch. I was just feeling really down about the whole day. Am I making any difference here? What am I doing? How can you ever feel at home in a place that daily reminds you that you are not at home. Me and God spent some time together after dinner...I just cried and prayed...And, I fell asleep with God. For the first time, I actually worshiped God through rest. Wow. What a beautiful concept.

Uplifting: So, I eventually woke up and read Isaiah 42: 1 again.

"Look at my servant, whom I strengthen. She is my chosen one, and I am pleased with her. I have put my spirit upon her."

Well, after 6:00pm, God definitely strengthed me. And, I was in much need of some serious strenghening. I mean, I really needed a good solid workout strengthening every single muscle.

Funny: Makendy, John, Mathilde, and I all ended up on the upper balcony. John was playing a drum and Makendy was singing. And, for about an hour we just sang and laughed and danced. I just kept thinking about how much I love this crazy Haitian boy, Makendy. He has such a beautiful energy to him. And, John is such an incredibly servant-hearted person. He is a Christian and he is always so excited to talk about Bondye (God in Creole). I just laughed and wanted to cry because it was such a beautiful hour.

Relaxing: Our friend, Stesha, who just left this morning for the USA. (She worked at the St Croix hospital for about 6 weeks here in Leogane) came over to the house adn we all went over to Au Bon Cafe to have our favorite drink!!! Lait Fouetee! These are wonderful! Whipped milk with strawberries! Ronald (a security guard at the hospital), Gesley (a dance instructor in Leogane), Stesha, Mathilde, Makendy, John, me, and the workers of Au Bon Cafe all hung out for the next few hours. We laughed and told jokes. John brought in a radio and we all ended up dancing Compa! Compa is the Haitian dance! It was such a nice treat from such a frustrating day.

About midnight, we went to bed. I can't believe all the emotions that I felt today.

But, looking back at my days here in Leogane, that is often how the days have been. God gives me a challenge, I barely survive it, He saves me, I cry, I laugh, and then He gives me something to think about.

Man, God is so good.

Lyrics I'm Humming:

If I Could Just Sit With You a While

What is Beauty.

Every experience of beauty points us towards eternity...

Thursday, my quote book from my wonderful Baylor friends was the above quote. So, I decided to spend the entire day looking for beauty. And, boy...it was everywhere!

I'd like to change the quote a little and say too that...

Every experience of beauty shows us the Creator...

My list of beauty is endless...so I decided to just show you 10 views from Thursday.

1.) We took the kids from Ma Petite Ecole to Ecole des Freres...we played outside all day long! The kids had so much energy and so much life. And, Nicolas and Bernadette (two teachers) were so amazing with the kids. And, the smiles on the kids faces...it was beautiful.

2.) Makendy spent the whole morning helping us control the kids. He is so cute with the kids! He swings them around and plays games and plays soccer and just loves them!

3.) We went to Destrain (a city on the sea) to see Emilio's and Makendy's family. The drive to Destrain was incredible. Creativity in Haiti is amazing. It's beautiful how creative people are when they have nothing. I saw so many bridges along side the road crossing over the river which were incredibly inventive...people made bridges out of everything...trees, garbage, tin, ladders, plants, ropes...

4.) The sea at Destrain was beautiful. The pollution wasn't as bad as I've seen it here. And, you could just see forever. It's so beautiful to think how calm and peaceful God can make the sea...but, He can also make it loud and deadly. But, in both situations...it's still the same sea. Isn't that a beautiful comparision to who God is??

5.) I swam in the sea and a bunch of the boys we were with gave me starfish! It was so great! They were so beautiful. And, the kids were so happy to give me something that made me smile so much! I eventually got up enough courage and went to the bottom to try and find myself a starfish!

6.) Makendy brought his new shoes and soccerball to Destrain...and the second his family and friends saw this...there was about 30 guys following him. I followed and they went out to this dirty open area to play a long game of soccer! It's beautiful to see such a love for a sport.

7.) Makendy's mom looks just like Makendy.

8.) When we were at Emilio's house, the grandpa brought out his best dining room chairs so we could have something comfortable to sit on. Servanthood...Generosity...Hospitality...

9.) Drinking coconut juice. Emilio and Makendy climbed up a tree and took a big machete to cut us some fresh coconuts...

10.) The sky. The sky was incredible. It was so clear and so blue. And, there were just enough clouds in the sky to hide the intense sun. God, you have created so many beautiful things...

Beauty is everywhere. When you think about it enough, you can find beauty in anything. God's imagination and sure genious blows me away.

God, You are beautiful.

Lyrics I'm Humming:

I Have a River

Cabin Fever

On my country's Day of Independence, I can't help but reflect on some big questions of human rights. And I can't help but think about some dark parts to America...

Here are some things that have invaded my thoughts today:

~American Exceptionalism...and our hurting cultures domestically and abroad
~Freedom and what it means to actually be free. Why do the caged birds sing?
~Money. Capitalism has enslaved me and all of America. How does a Christian deal with living in a money-consumed society.
~The Land of Opportunity
~Social mobility
~Poverty in Des Moines
~College education and how amazing the US has educated me
~The desire of so many Haitians to study in the US or in Canada because they long for an education
~Roads in the US...They're paved, they are taken care of, they are a positive externality
~Positive Externalities n the US (roads, parks...)
~Negative Externalities in hte US (pollution...)

I adore my country. I feel so patriotic today. At school, I had the kids do a fun activity. We all cut out 3 stars: one white, one red, and one blue. I then told them that ttoday was a special holiday in the US...the exact same thing as the 1st of January for Haiti. It's our day of independence.

The kids then colored pictures on the 3 stars...the American flag, stars, stripes, USA, scrbbles... It was so fun to see what they colored! One girl, Sarafina, traced her hand on the white star. She then colored it in with red stars. What a beautiful image, I thought to myself. That's exactly what the Fourth of July in America is all about. Our handprints show our independence. Each of us has our own image...our own handprint...our own imprint of the Independence Day.

Freedom....

Freedom is something I do not feel here in Haiti. Mathilde and I have been calling it Cabin Fever. And, we are definitely feeling some serious Cabin Fever. We can't (and shouldn't) walk around the city without a gang of bodyguards...why? Because we're white. We work in the mornings at teh school and then we go to the hous and find things to do in the backyard, in our rooms, or anound the house. But...boy has Cabin Fever hit us hard. I just wanna run and screem and dance and sing and ride my bike and walk around!

I feel as if I'm trapped.

But, living in Haiti for a long enough time teaches me that I'm not the only one who feels this Cabin Fever.

Haitians are trapped.

They are trapped in Leogane...There is nothing to do in this city. People that I live with talk about this often with me. If you need anything...education, materials, medical care, supplies...you must go to Port-au-Prince.

They are trapped in Haiti...Haitians have so many obstacles preventing them from traveling or living in other countries. Getting a passport to visit America is not enough...Every Haitian needs a Visa just to travel to the USA for a weekend. And, gietting a Visa or a passport in Haiti is a huge event. You must take language tests, have money, have connections, have money to get ytourself to and from Port-au-Prince a dozen times to fill out forms, turn forms in, an dbring more money, you must have so many things that are so hard for Haitians to get.

I'm not the only one who feels Cabin Fever. Haitians are in their own cabin and they are often trapped by their position in the world. Not every Haitian want to get out of Haiti...but, there is still a sense of wanting more. They know there is a better way to live. They can see the pollution on their roads, they can smell the almost dead dogs, they can see the poverty. They know misery...and they want out.

I've been doing so much praying and thinking about Haiti. Gosh, I love this country. Gosh, I love these people. Haiti will always be a part of my life.

Lyrics I'm Humming:

OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD