Over the Bend and Through the Woods...To Grandmother's House We Go

My grandma is coming tonight to stay with me for a week. Oh I am so excited to see her. It's all that's been getting me through this week of hell.

It's weird...every day is worse than the day before. You'd think that wasn't possible and that the days would get better...Thursday was bad. Fights in my classroom...frustrations elsewhere... I'm just down.

So happy Grandma is coming. Really looking forward to some help and a friendly face. Man...I'm crying just thinking about seeing her. I just don't know what's going to make this year better.

Lyrics I'm Humming:
Everyday I Have the Blues: B.B. King

Looking for a Stronghold

Wanted: STRENGTH for a 22 year old, idealistic teacher trying to change the world with her own two hands.

I went to a Bible study tonight, and it was so nice to be around a group of Christians. I shared my frustrations and disappointments with school, and although my classroom is still a nightmare, I have some kind words to fall asleep to tonight.

God does not call us to be successful...

He calls us to be faithful.

-Mother Theresa (Mama T)

~~~

Psalm 46:1

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

And, my grandma is coming to visit this Saturday and she'll be here for my birthday! What an incredible blessing. So, I am holding on until then. I love my grandma.

Please keep my classroom in your thoughts and prayers. Pray for peace. Pray for me to have wisdom and strength. Pray for courage. Pray for patience. Pray for the kids to have some desire to work hard. Pray for my ability to inspire and motivate them to work hard.

In need of strength.

I think the part of this that bothers me the most is not how hard this situation is...it's that I thought I would be stronger. I hoped I would be able to rise above the negativity and warfare within my 4-walled classroom; however, it turns out that I am just a naive 22 year old girl.

Lyrics I'm Humming:

Lincoln Brewster's I Will Love the Lord

Drowning

I don't even know what to say. I want to explain every detail and every struggle; however, I do not want my students, my administration, or anyone I am working with to really know what is going on.

All I can say is, I am drowning.
I want to quit.
I hate my job.

On Friday, I was so angry that during my 2 minute break I picked up my binders and through them against the wall and yelled, "I HATE MY JOB"
I am really struggling right now.

Every morning I wake up nauseous. I want to throw up every single morning. I don't eat breakfast, and I feel so sick that I can't really pack a lunch because even thinking about food hurts my stomach. I hate waking up in the morning. I want to call and quit this job every single morning.

I really don't know what to do. I am struggling with whether I need to stick this job out, because it is something that God wants me to grow from. Maybe this job is something I need to go through in order to make me a better, stronger person.

OR...maybe I need to get out now. When I see kids on the street, I just ignore them. I hate seeing kids on the beach; I am annoyed by kids I see everywhere. I used to love kids. I feel so depressed. I am becoming so apathetic towards the kids, and I am so frustrated with where I am. I am giving so much of myself, and it is taking everything from me. I am miserable with this job.

Reasons I don't want to quit:
-pride: quitting would acknowledge that I couldn't do this job.
-embarrassment: having to tell people I quit.
-being just another white person who gave up on my students
-letting people down

I don't know what I should do. I am seriously lacking in discernment right now.


Last week was one of my worst teaching weeks; however, Jeremy was here, which was wonderful. It was so nice having someone here to laugh with and smile with. And, it was so great to have something else to talk about and think about that didn't revolve around teaching.

I just don't know what to do.

I need prayer for a mild tropical storm: one that will cancel school for a few days but will not cause any damage on the city or the people.

Lyrics I'm Humming:
I'll Fly Away

Find the Sunsets and Watch Them.

Wow...what a weird place I find myself.

Tomorrow is TPD (Teacher Planning Day)... I am spending this afternoon at a friend's apartment eating dinner, watching a movie, and watching the beautiful Miami sunset from her huge balcony window. It is nice to not plan and think about school.

Man...I have never quite felt this way about anything in my life. The past few nights, I have been getting so depressed. I am just surrounded by negative all day long, and I go home so depressed because my students are so far behind and there are so many negative factors hurting us in our classroom.

I have never felt this depressed. I just want to sleep. My body is so exhausted. My mind is so exhausted. My energy is dwindling.

I am not going to quit, but I would love to. It would be so easy just to throw the towel in and leave this impossible job.

However, I need to face this challenge right now. I need to grow as a person and I need to be stretched and molded. I know these things...I know I want to become the best possible person and help the most amount of people possible.

I want to want to be here. I just want to wake up one morning excited to go to school to teach. I am waiting for the day when I like what I do.

My selfish prayer right now is for a minor tropical storm...school would be canceled and I could have a day to sleep in and breathe.

Jeremy is coming on Sunday. I am so excited to see him. It'll be so wonderful to have something not related to school to be around; it'll be so wonderful to have a reason to laugh and smile. I'm taking a personal day on Monday.

I wish I could give you more details regarding my students, the teachers I work with, the administration I work for, the neighborhood I work in.

My mind is spinning.
I am learning so much so fast.
Talk about shock therapy.

Positive for the day: I left my school at 3:30...which is the earliest I've left school this year.
Positive for the day: My morning class was attentive in my math lesson!

Getting better? Getting worse? Definitely not stagnating.

Lyrics I'm Humming:
Kids in America

To Sustain or Not to Sustain...

So, on Saturday we had a Teach for America (TFA) orientation workshop. The first mini session was called "Sustaining Energy". We first made a list of things we had done during the week for ourselves and a list of things we had done during the week for our students...

...basically, my list was very uNbAlaNcEd... I had done about 75 things for my students and 2 for myself.

Today was rough. I came home, and I went for a bike-ride around South Beach and swam for a little bit in the ocean.

I'm pretty much coming to the sad realization that everyday is going to be rough.

Yes, TFA was not lying when they said this was going to be hard. They were not lying when they said we would probably cry everyday until Thanksgiving. Ok. I need to be okay with that.

I talked to my amazing grandmother tonight. I cried and she reminded me of a lot of reasons that I am going to stick around! She also gave me some new good ideas to try with my class.

Tomorrow will be better. Right?

Well...okay...tomorrow may not be better, but tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow, I will start fresh with no negative thoughts towards any of my students.

I need to practice grace and forgiveness.

Grace
and
Forgiveness

Lord, please give me wisdom tomorrow. And, please fill me with grace and patience.

Lyrics I'm Humming:
Chris Tomlin's Indescribable