I don't even know what to say. I want to explain every detail and every struggle; however, I do not want my students, my administration, or anyone I am working with to really know what is going on.
All I can say is, I am drowning.
I want to quit.
I hate my job.
I want to quit.
I hate my job.
On Friday, I was so angry that during my 2 minute break I picked up my binders and through them against the wall and yelled, "I HATE MY JOB"
I am really struggling right now.
Every morning I wake up nauseous. I want to throw up every single morning. I don't eat breakfast, and I feel so sick that I can't really pack a lunch because even thinking about food hurts my stomach. I hate waking up in the morning. I want to call and quit this job every single morning.
I really don't know what to do. I am struggling with whether I need to stick this job out, because it is something that God wants me to grow from. Maybe this job is something I need to go through in order to make me a better, stronger person.
OR...maybe I need to get out now. When I see kids on the street, I just ignore them. I hate seeing kids on the beach; I am annoyed by kids I see everywhere. I used to love kids. I feel so depressed. I am becoming so apathetic towards the kids, and I am so frustrated with where I am. I am giving so much of myself, and it is taking everything from me. I am miserable with this job.
Reasons I don't want to quit:
-pride: quitting would acknowledge that I couldn't do this job.
-embarrassment: having to tell people I quit.
-being just another white person who gave up on my students
-letting people down
I don't know what I should do. I am seriously lacking in discernment right now.
Last week was one of my worst teaching weeks; however, Jeremy was here, which was wonderful. It was so nice having someone here to laugh with and smile with. And, it was so great to have something else to talk about and think about that didn't revolve around teaching.
I just don't know what to do.
I need prayer for a mild tropical storm: one that will cancel school for a few days but will not cause any damage on the city or the people.
Lyrics I'm Humming:
I'll Fly Away
I'll Fly Away
1 comment:
Oh Megan-
We all love you so much and you will weather the storm...either way..if you stay or if you quit. As for your pride, embararassement, etc. those are non issues- no one will think any different of you. If you stay, WOW!!!! That will definately be something! But either way, we are all proud of you for who you are and what you stand for. To think of you as being so depressed is just hard so telling as you have always had such a positive outlook! I know you will have fun with Granny!!! She is sure to cheer you up!!! We will be sending some birthday goodies your way also and are so glad Grandma can celebrate with you! We all think of you so often- just do what your heart tells you and you won't look back!
Love ya!
Debbie and Christine
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