I'm starting to feel a little pathetic... I am exactly where I want to be...I am doing exactly what I want to be doing...I am living in a city where people vacation... and I can cry at a drop of a hat.I mean, everything makes me want to cry.
Number of hysterical crying breakdowns in public places here: 2 (once at Bank of America and once at the DHL pickup place)
It is weird...the littlest things are just really getting to me. I am following so many paper trails right now with car insurance, tags, registration, drivers liscence, blah, blah, blah.... I don't know what grade I am teaching. I am just being a baby.
I wish I could just chill and relax and go with the flow. It's really ridiculous.
Example: My blinds fall down all the time. And, the other day, I just started crying about it. I was crying about blinds.
I think I'm just feeling really out of my league here...I'm feeling very overwhelmed. I'm nervous to start teaching. I really hope I make a difference. And, I wish I could concentrate on preparing my classroom, but so many little things are taking over my time and energy.
So, that's what I've been doing the past few days in Miami...crying.
This morning I spent 90 minutes driving around looking for this church to go to...a church only 10 miles from my apartment...a 15 minute drive. I was just totally lost, and I was frustrated.
I called my dad crying (of course). He saved the day. I laughed at how much I've been crying.
I was 90 minutes late to church, so I went to the later service. And, I did not feel welcome at the church. The pastor spoke about how we need to give more and how we need to be out of our comfort zone. Well, I am out. I am here. I have left my zone. I don't want someone telling me to leave my comfort zone. I want someone who is supporting me and encourging me to stay out and hold on.
What is going on with me?
Erg....
Well, there it is. My confusing, frustrated heart right now.
Lyrics I'm Humming:
Big Girls Don't Cry
8 comments:
its funny, your blog is all the stuff going wrong, being stressed, and i know you hate to say it, but being very busy. but your picture is so relaxing and can make anybody jealous that you just lay on the beach when you have time! You are doing amazing out there on your own. Things will work out, God does amazing things for miss megan!
I think I cried every night for the first month after I moved to Nashville, and now almost 6 months later I still cry a LOT! (Maybe it's buildup for hardly crying the last 3 years.)
Take heart, Darling! And lean on the One who has promised to NEVER forsake you! That's been the best part of moving here on my own- learning to be completely dependent on God. Love ya'!
Hey Megan!
I think that everything you're talking about is completely normal. You've had a lot of changes in your life and there are still a lot of unknowns ahead of you. All those things can combine to create stress, and that can cause all kinds of crazy emotions, like crying over nothing. I went to a music camp one summer that I wanted to go to SO badly..but then when I got there I just cried and cried and cried. It turned out to be great, but I was so scared and worried to be out there on my own not knowing what was going to happen next. Try to remember that this horrible emotional feeling comes from the same place that all your wonderful loving and caring emotions come from...so embrace it equally. It's unfair to expect yourself to be capable of so much love and understanding but not have other emotions that are just as easily affected! Plus, just because it's something that you want to do, doesn't make the situation LESS stressful. I know that I often feel like it's unfair of me to be upset about anything when I have so MUCH, but the truth is that your feelings are no less significant, they are just a part of you, part of what is going to make you such a GREAT teacher! I only have one piece of advice...pray. List off to Him all the things you're thankful for in your life...and usually when I do this I just bawl my eyes out because I'm so grateful, and at the same time I feel like I don't deserve all of it, but just let yourself cry and pray...and then make yourself SMILE through those tears. When you start to think about all the things you're going to be able to do in your life because of your blessings it's easier to handle the times when all these "blessings" don't seem very great! I know you can make it through this, just allow yourself to recognize that it's normal and ok to feel this way, every human being does. Without trials your successes would never be as sweet. So hang out, know that you're loved, know that you're supported, and know that you're not alone. We're praying for you!
Lots of love
Craig and Elizabeth
PS--WOW that was long winded!! :)
Hey mama :) I know exactly how you've been feeling...although I wouldn't have guessed that you were feeling that way...I often get this vibe from you that everything is going with the flow, lol. I felt the same exact way when I moved in to a point that I was asking people about their apartments and comparing them to mine because I didn't feel confident about my choice (bad idea!)...at the end I just felt worse about the place I am making my home! Everything just felt like it was falling apart in the apartment, but now I feel a lot better about it :D, and I'm not a "groucho" as much, lol! As things fall into place I take faith and believe in progress and process, and in the strength of my family and friends. You can always count me as a friend :)
Love ya!
Ms.Emerick ;D
Well Megan, stay out and hang on. I am pretty sure there is water in the pool when you jump in. There is supposed to be water in the pool. Yes, I'm sure there is water in the pool. I'm very proud of you.
Love,
Dad
Megan, I remember when I left home for my first job away from home in Beloit, Wisconsin. I had lived with my mom and Floyd for a year after college while I worked for Land O Lakes in Fort Dodge. I knew that I needed to get out. So, I quit that job for one in Beloit. I remember packing my car up. I had a brown Chevy station wagon. I jammed everything I owned in that car and pulled out of the driveway. It was a 4-5 hour trip. I did pretty well in the beginning. I was excited for the new opportunity. Then, about 2 hours or so in to the drive, I started to cry. I wept uncontrollably. For what? I remember going over the Mississippi River and thinking, "this is a point of no return". The closer I got to Beloit, the further I got from Fort Dodge. I was scared. I was leaving my mom. She was my support and meant everything to me. No cell phones to call from or check in with. I didn't have a girlfriend. I realized that without my mom I was on my own emotionally. She wasn't going to be there to hug me, welcome me home and make me feel significant. No more pancakes in the morning or dinners at night. I was subject to the whims of the world and generally the world doesn't operate like a friendly family. But, I made it. I got to Beloit. Got involved in the job and found a church. This church happened to be the one that taught me about Jesus and showed me how to give my life to him. So, have heart. You'll do fine. Put your trust and focus on him. The world is yours to discover!
Love
Dad
It's ok to cry!!!! It clears the heart and the mind. It is not a lot of fun, but it's ok. You are searching for perfection---it's frustrating not to find that right away. But, that's best----perfection comes with time and effort and heart---you have just graduated from Baylor and there you found perfection. Now you must start over ----step by step, day by day. Just think of how you will feel when you have reached perfection again! And you WILL, but it takes time to put all the pieces together again! You are in the midst of a huge new puzzle-----but you will put it all together----oh joy!!!!!!!
I love you more than tongue can tell!
Grandma
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